When we first started throwing around the M word, the skepticism was sinking in and covering my brain, inch by inch. A year ago, I thought I could be single forever and now he was saying "Marriage"? And what about school? What about wanting to travel, and live in Chicago in a crappy apartment with my dogs?
Now I look at this ring on my finger that means he will do it-- stand in front of the people who know and love us best and make the promise only fit for a wife. Marry me. And I know that I couldn't want any single thing more for my life than that.
In the past year, I've struggled. I've fallen time after time, and been much too tired to pick myself up. I have felt like a failure, lost, worthless, hopeless... did I mention lost?
And for more than just the last year, I have known struggle and defeat, disappointment and brokenness, financial hardship and loss. I have faced trial after trial, and it would be a lie to say that i can be proud of every way I've ever responded when faced by opposition.
But this year, I learned a lot about loss and being lost. And that is why I'm confident of this marriage we want to enter into. Because we've both lost (and been lost) a little too much.
I know that He is faithful. He has proven that to me time and time again.
I know that He provides. In a year where dreams and plans were taken out from underneath me, somehow I have not been overcome. He has provided not only physical things like my home to come back to and a full-time job to pay off my debt, but also things that feed my soul - like love and hope.
I know that He is purposeful. So purposeful that I was born in Arizona, moved to Texas, moved to Arkansas, and ended up in Missouri where I had to meet God before I could meet my fiance. So purposeful that until July after my senior year, I was banking on going to Carthage College in Wisconsin. So purposeful that I didn't, and went to Mizzou instead. So purposeful that even after denying that I ever knew Him, He still called me back to Himself and I went on CRU's Summer Project to Togo, West Africa last summer because I wanted to be faithful. So purposeful that I sat down at a random table with 3 people I didn't know one night last summer and had a conversation with a complete stranger about the glory that I saw in Togo and the contagious love that He'd instilled in me there. So purposeful that my future husband fell in love with me that night, and it wasn't my doing.
He has seen us through to this point in our lives. And nothing about our disappointment, our hurt, or our struggle has been lost to Him. He has used it to grow us, to shape us, to sharpen us, and to bring us together.
I never knew how much I wanted people to approve of me until I was in this spot. I wanted everyone to congratulate us, and support us, and agree with us. But the chances of us doing "the right thing" by everyone else's standards is impossible. Maybe for the rest of our lives our choices will be looked down upon by someone else or won't make sense to someone else. If I never do the "right thing" by another man, but it is the righteous thing in sight of our God, I will consider it glory. I don't have to be looked upon with favor by man. And it is not my goal to.
I am more sure of the call to love my future husband with everything that I have than much else I have experienced in the entirety of my life. And I (speak in boldness) welcome any oppositions that give us the chance to reiterate the trust we must have in God over and over again. I pray for humility to accept advice from our family and our friends, but strength and wisdom to persevere even when what He has called us to looks foolish to everyone around us.
Next summer, I plan to stand in front of the most important people in our lives, and promise these things, regardless of who else it may please, other than him and our Father.
"I will reap with you. I will sow with you. I will work with you. I will rest with you. I will laugh with you. I will cry with you. I will struggle with you. I will prosper with you. I will suffer with you. I will be sharpened with you. I will receive gratefully with you. I will give generously with you. I will lead alongside you. I will be lead by you. I will love with you. And I will endure with you forever."
For richer, or poorer.
Poor in spirit. Poor in pocket. Poor by the standards of our culture, our world.
Rich in the Kingdom of Heaven.
