Going along with my recurring post theme of how I’m always making plans, and God’s always telling me “Uh, No.” ….
A couple of months ago, I’d signed up with Crusade to go to a conference in Denver (DCC) over this winter break. My sister went to DCC last winter and told me all about the impact the vulnerable community and blunt truth had on her. I was kind of determined to go from the start.
I’d hesitated, however, to register officially because not having a job this semester has brought my steady income down a bit. And by down a bit, I mean to an abrupt halt. I’ve had no income for the first time in about 2 years, safe for what my generous Mommy will sometimes transfer to my account for necessities and inexpensive thrifty fun.
So anyway, these conferences cost money. At first, I’d asked my parents to just make that my Christmas present. But when I got home, I talked with my mom about everything and even though she told me they’d be able to send me, something didn’t feel right about it as I saw how tired my dad’s been from working 60 hour weeks and the bill for my textbooks for next semester. I reasoned with myself that I still have 3 more years (at the least) and the same opportunities will be there next year, then informed the staff with Cru that I wouldn’t make it this December.
On the other side of the family happenings, my sister’s been planning her leave for Haiti these last few months with a missions team from my home church. Before I decided not to go to DCC, the way the break was going to work was that I would be in Denver at pretty much the same time Sissy would be in Haiti and I’d get back a few days before her, meaning she couldn’t go to DCC- which was a bummer at first.
In all the last minute cancellation and the hype of everyone coming home for Christmas, I forgot to tell my sister I wasn’t going. But I figured it didn’t matter since she wasn’t going to be here at the same time anyway.
So all this build leads to the twist:
Yesterday, my mom, my sister, and I were all sitting in the living room when my sister brought up DCC… and her new plans to go. I hadn’t even realized she didn’t know I wasn’t going yet, figuring my mom would have said something. But aside from feeling bad to disappoint her, it suddenly hit me that these plans obviously interfered with Haiti. Only to find out that the trip was postponed due to spreading riots concerning the Haitian government and the danger it poses for the team’s efforts to get back to the U.S.
So then I was doubly bummed because not only was I missing out on the conference, but now my sister was going without me.
Earlier, Mizzou Cru had offered me a scholarship for half of the trip but with complicated conditions involving my parents having to initially fork over the entire amount, not to mention the extra cash for gas to help my car get there, and to eat for the whole week. The conditions pretty much defeated the purpose of the scholarship in my case, which made me feel like I should just stay home anyway. Not only did the trip seem unfeasible financially, but I’ve felt pulled further and further away from the Cru community, making a week-long trip with a family I don’t particularly feel a part of these days somewhat filled with distractions. See, I thought that was God giving a clear indication that He had something to do with me here, instead of there. Obviously… right?
But really, I think maybe He was just trying to let me see how uncomfortable I was willing to let myself become before He thrust it into overdrive.
When my sister realized the reason I wasn’t going to DCC, she wouldn’t have it. A few texts and an argument (ending with my mom and my sister both telling me I should go) later, I was paid for (or exempt from pay) and signed up to go to the conference… with Missouri Baptist University. I leave the day after tomorrow, and talk about being unprepared and uncomfortable. I don’t know anyone besides my sister that I’ll be travelling with, rooming with, or spending the next week with, but I think this is a clear indication that He has something to do with me in Denver at this conference.
Not for the first time this semester, I am realizing I’m not the best person to ease into obedience or submission. Sometimes it takes a giant metaphorical stop sign right in front of my face, a little more than what I can arrogantly and stubbornly write off as mere coincidence. And lucky for me, my Creator knows His creation quite wholly.
The conference is for “college students from all over the Midwest [to] come to grow closer to Jesus Christ through prayer, powerful worship, passionate bible teaching, and community…” with plenty of “opportunities to be equipped with life and ministry skills, to connect and network with other students, and to reach out locally and globally.” The latter being something I’ve been feeling God pressing on me more and more heavily as this school year has progressed. And as if that weren’t all “ironic” and “coincidental” enough, the conference board is partnering with Kids Against Hunger this year, having us prepare 100,000 meals… to send to Haiti.
I started reading a book I got this morning (called Today’s Gospel: authentic or synthetic?) disputing the seemingly small differences (at least, that’s what we make ourselves believe) between the gospel Jesus taught and the one we find ourselves altering to fit into the ears of our peers more comfortably, seemingly small differences making a giant impact on the sincerity of our efforts to please the Lord and shed light on whole truth. I’ve only started the beginning, but am already identifying with what Mr. Walter J. Chantry seemed to think was “wrong with evangelism today” (as if he got in my head and stole all these thoughts I felt were mine for so long)—this focus on unity that, while well-intentioned, causes us to start sharing a watered down gospel for the sake of a community that isn’t even benefitting from the way we’re delivering a shallow and undetailed half-version of what Jesus came here to say anyway.
I was reading Malachi yesterday and came across this:
“I am the Lord, and I do not change. That is why you descendants of Jacob are not already destroyed. Ever since the days of your ancestors, you have scorned my decrees and failed to obey them. Now return to me, and I will return to you,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
“But you ask, ‘How can we return when we have never gone away?’
“Should people cheat God? Yet you have cheated me!
“But you ask, ‘What do you mean? When did we ever cheat you?’
“You have cheated me of the tithes and offerings due to me. You are under a curse, for your whole nation has been cheating me. Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, “I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test! Your crops will be abundant, for I will guard them from insects and disease. Your grapes will not fall from the vine before they are ripe,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “Then all nations will call you blessed, for your land will be such a delight,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
“You have said terrible things about me,” says the Lord.
“But you say, ‘What do you mean? What have we said against you?’
“You have said, ‘What’s the use of serving God? What have we gained by obeying his commands or by trying to show the Lord of Heaven’s Armies that we are sorry for our sins? From now on we will call the arrogant blessed. For those who do evil get rich, and those who dare God to punish them suffer no harm.’”
The end of that struck me really hard and I just read it over and over, making the obvious connection between this community God is addressing, and my own. My own society, sometimes my own community of believers, sometimes my own mind. And while it was disheartening to a certain degree, it was also further pushing me in this unpromising world. It made me think about what James was saying in his letter to the dispersed believers about the testing of their faith and the difference between simply reading the word of God and actually learning from what you read, between sitting in superficial acknowledgment and getting up to engage in the lost and brokenness of the world because that is what His word says to do. Hearing and Doing.
Because is it not made apparent that--
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. - James 1:27
Unstained, but not untouched. For, how else are we to engage in the brokenhearted and the fatherless if we can’t jump into their afflictions confidently relying on His power?
It’d be really cool for you guys to remain prayerful of His work in me, and the things He’s stirring up in my heart and in this trip to Denver. I’m extremely excited to open up and let him reveal the next place He wants me to move from here. I’m sure I’ll have a lot to share when I get back. Until then!
