Every once in a while, I catch a real bad case of nostalgia. And I find myself stuck in “the way things used to be” – which, for me, is probably just as bad as “what could have been.”
I would favor being a this or that person. Confined to the definites and extremes. Hot or cold. Loving or fighting. All in or all out. Broken or bound. The problem with these is that I’m never really either/or. I just want to be. That’s when I find myself caught in between putting on the mask of a real extreme.
Half the time, I don’t even know what is definite, so I just choose to be what seems most appealing, or easy. So much is based in fear. Found in the ruins of a broken and wounded heart. Sometimes it’s just hard to hurt. And I have to fight all instincts for flight. I get so lost in the way I want things to be. This blog used to keep me accountable-- people used to keep me accountable. But it’s just too natural for me to run. Inside my own head. It’s just too natural for me to avoid. So I’ll try not to.
It’s easy to think that you know the ins and outs of a situation, that you could recite the facts backwards and forwards. I do that—get everything under control. But what God’s been teaching me lately is that I don’t get to be in control. And I especially don’t get to say He is in control and use it as an excuse to run away, which is ultimately placing me in the role to call the shots. I don’t get to say when or how. What if I should stand in the midst of chaos with my hands open; maybe there’s fire and the steady drumming of wind or waves high above my head that have brought me to my knees, but what if I should plant my soul firmly in the foundation of a King, with my heart uncovered and my face to the ground?
I don’t trust the Spirit that is in me. I don’t ask for His discernment because I am too afraid to fail. And yet, if I were asking the Spirit to discern, I have to know that He would not fail. I don’t know how to rest in His grace and His mercy, His depth and His sovereignty. I don’t know how to trust that He’ll provide healing. I try to heal myself. I try to fix my wrongs.
The truth is that there is only one constant that I know, one definite fact. And that is that the Lord is who He says He is. He is good and He endures forever. He is the sacrifice that I don’t know how to be.
I cannot change the past, but I cannot forget it. I want to learn from it—and not learn to run, or arm my heart, or keep people far away. But to learn to care better, and give grace, and show mercy, and pull love closer. I want to learn to care through the hurt, and extend grace even when it challenges my pride. I want to learn to stand in the storm, with the fire and the wind, with the raging waters threatening my life, and plant my soul in the Lord who is my God.
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.” – Isaiah 43:1-4
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