no fear

I have decided to follow Jesus.

And that means no turning back.

My doctor finally put me on a stabilizing medication, to help reduce the physical side of my panic (heart racing, hyperventilating, that kind of embarassing stuff).  The first week was asbolutely miserable.  Messing with the levels of serotonin in your body effects more than I was prepared for.  Two weeks later, I think for the most part, things are beginning to level out and the worst is over.  Now that most of the physical symptoms can be controlled with this serotonin stabilizer, the mental part is up to me.  I have been learning to remind myself in moments of anxiety, "No fear.  He is the Lord, my God, my Savior."

This week I've been focusing on moving out.  Considering my newly-developed fear of making plans, I have decided to just keep moving forward.  Every day, my plans change.  They adapt to new research I've done, or advances in my work, or circumstances with my family, or just the ways God is still stretching me through this process (whatever it is, because I'm still not totally sure).  It's funny that after all this stretching, you'd think I should be pretty tall by now.  But I still feel small (:

The newest adaptation of my plans is far from what it was a month ago.  Or last week.  But I think there's some beauty in this surrender I've been forced to embrace, because I cannot dictate my own future.  Even the small stuff.  I have to ask Him before I make any decision about what I am doing and how I am doing it.  Or rather, the conversation goes more like:

"I am going to make this new step today within my means; feel free to interrupt, or confirm that it falls under accordance with Your will."

And He does.  Right now, nothing is within my power.  So I pray for wisdom, and I evaluate thoroughly.  And I move when and where He says I can.  I've been complaining about how hard it's been to hear Him this whole time.  But I am realizing that I hear Him just fine.  In one word sentences. 

Like, "Yes." "No." "Here." "There." "Love." "Cry." "Rest." 

This refining has looked like just what I can see directly in front of my face, and nothing further.  I ask Him what He wants to do with my future, with my life.  Am I supposed to go back to school?  Am I supposed to stay in St Louis?  Can I just marry him now?  Can we just run away to Africa?

And He says, "Look at this job I provided you with."  or  "I've given you the means to pay the bills you owe."  or  "I've given you the means to move out on your own."  And I'm like okay, mysterious God; that doesn't answer my questions. 

But He's providing for me to live in right now, and only now.  And all I can do outside of that is dream, or hope, or wonder.  Or further than that, Trust.

With each day, and each new burden that's placed upon my shoulders, He tells me to hand them to Him and asks over and over how much I am willing to trust Him.

And the answer is as far as He asks.  I decided to follow Jesus.  And that means no turning back.

into existence

The 9th time my family moved, I waited until the weekend before we were leaving to start packing my room.  It was my subtle rebellion.  “Take that, Mom; half my room will end up in the garbage because I won’t have time (or space) to pack it and bring it all with me.”  The logic was there for a 13-year-old-me, at least.  We moved in 7 days anyway.  And brought all 3 of our lives with us in my aunts pick-up.  Everything that still belonged to us in a truck.

I’ve spent the better half of my life trying to control situations around me.  The 12th time I moved (back home, from college), I told myself I’d give up on that.  Because I could cry, or complain, or freak out completely, but at the end of the day there was over 5200 dollars that I couldn’t cry or complain into existence.  I simply had to adjust to the circumstances.  If I sat to think about it too hard, I sincerely believed I’d lose my mind.  So I went through finals, sold my books, and packed my room in the last few days I was there without much direction at all.  Some people said I was tough; some thought I was just in denial.  But really, to me, it was as simple as doing what I had to do.  We all have basic survival instincts, right?  We all have the ability to keep adapting as major life changes occur.  There weren’t many choices for me at that point.  Pay 5200 dollars, or leave… and I didn’t have 5200 dollars.  The funny thing is: I raised 5200 dollars to go to Togo over the summer.  I told Jesus that I’d like to do His work in West Africa, and He said here are the people I’ve appointed to support you, and here is 5200 dollars.

I got a job at CLH less than a month after being home.  It was literally a God-send.  He sent them to me. 
I talked to my sister recently about wanting to stay at CLH even though I am trying to move into her house further away and still saving for a car.  She had originally suggested that I just get a job closer to the house, but I explained that not only do I have a commitment to them at this point, but I’m making good money for someone my age without real college background doing something I didn’t have the qualifications for, but ended up really enjoying.  How likely does that scenario sound?  Especially after what I witnessed today (more of that later).  In her typical manner – that I do love about her; don’t get me wrong – she stated, “Well you know God owns all the money in the world, so He can give you whatever you need.” 

While I do believe that wholeheartedly, it is actually the reason I am staying at CLH for at least another semester.  (As opposed to another job because I still can’t go back to school.) But this is a good laugh for me.  Because what she said is true.  God does own all the money in the world.  Which is why I was able to go to Africa.  And why I have employers who have given me a steady, secure job that I have basically had to learn the field as I’ve gone along for. 
So I have to believe it’s why I had to leave college. 
He’s hasn’t allowed me a way back yet.

Over the last 4 months, I’ve been learning the ropes to the “real world.”  You know, the one they always talked about in high school.  I’ve learned to take responsibility, to save and budget,  to suffer, to be proud of my work, to breathe, to panic, to bounce back, to pay bills, to plan, and then re-work the plan on a daily basis because circumstances never stop altering. 

What I witnessed today helped me to realize that this is how He’s been refining me since I drove out of Columbia in November. 

I had a doctor’s appointment so I kept the car and planned to pick my mom up from work afterwards.  Only an hour after I’d been at work, I got a text from her that said I might have to come get her sooner because her firm was dissolving and that she didn’t know if she had a job anymore.  

A lot of things ran through my head in that moment.  Like how this is the kind of thing that happens in movies.  Or how I could imagine people rioting at her office, employees punching the partners or picketing or burning fax machines and the such.  But mostly how beyond all the angry people at the office, what was going to happen to my family?

I had all day to think about it (on the car ride to the doctor, waiting in the office, on the way to pick up my little brother from school), until she finally came home and told us exactly what happened.  She explained the dirty details of the partners’ decision, how hundreds of secretaries were left out of the loop until it came to the disastrous spreading of a rumor today, that they shortly found out was entirely true.  She explained that she couldn’t give much more information, because even she didn’t know.  She couldn’t say when her last day would be, or if she is even getting her check this payday.   Life circumstances.  Dramatically altered, from one day to the next, no warning. 

I couldn’t help but sit there as she described her day, the initial panic to what I saw as calmness before me, and remember that day in my dorm when I realized I was in way over my head with that bill.  And it hit me right then.   He has so much to teach me still.  Because I was still here, making plans for me, and my money.  And now it’s changed again.  And whether it’s to show me in stark contrast how steadfast or unchanging He is, or if it’s to teach me patience, or if it’s to continue to make me surrender, I accept it humbly. 
And I don’t think it’s because I’m strong or brave or awesome.
I may be any (or all of those things ;)), but I am broken first.