no fear

I have decided to follow Jesus.

And that means no turning back.

My doctor finally put me on a stabilizing medication, to help reduce the physical side of my panic (heart racing, hyperventilating, that kind of embarassing stuff).  The first week was asbolutely miserable.  Messing with the levels of serotonin in your body effects more than I was prepared for.  Two weeks later, I think for the most part, things are beginning to level out and the worst is over.  Now that most of the physical symptoms can be controlled with this serotonin stabilizer, the mental part is up to me.  I have been learning to remind myself in moments of anxiety, "No fear.  He is the Lord, my God, my Savior."

This week I've been focusing on moving out.  Considering my newly-developed fear of making plans, I have decided to just keep moving forward.  Every day, my plans change.  They adapt to new research I've done, or advances in my work, or circumstances with my family, or just the ways God is still stretching me through this process (whatever it is, because I'm still not totally sure).  It's funny that after all this stretching, you'd think I should be pretty tall by now.  But I still feel small (:

The newest adaptation of my plans is far from what it was a month ago.  Or last week.  But I think there's some beauty in this surrender I've been forced to embrace, because I cannot dictate my own future.  Even the small stuff.  I have to ask Him before I make any decision about what I am doing and how I am doing it.  Or rather, the conversation goes more like:

"I am going to make this new step today within my means; feel free to interrupt, or confirm that it falls under accordance with Your will."

And He does.  Right now, nothing is within my power.  So I pray for wisdom, and I evaluate thoroughly.  And I move when and where He says I can.  I've been complaining about how hard it's been to hear Him this whole time.  But I am realizing that I hear Him just fine.  In one word sentences. 

Like, "Yes." "No." "Here." "There." "Love." "Cry." "Rest." 

This refining has looked like just what I can see directly in front of my face, and nothing further.  I ask Him what He wants to do with my future, with my life.  Am I supposed to go back to school?  Am I supposed to stay in St Louis?  Can I just marry him now?  Can we just run away to Africa?

And He says, "Look at this job I provided you with."  or  "I've given you the means to pay the bills you owe."  or  "I've given you the means to move out on your own."  And I'm like okay, mysterious God; that doesn't answer my questions. 

But He's providing for me to live in right now, and only now.  And all I can do outside of that is dream, or hope, or wonder.  Or further than that, Trust.

With each day, and each new burden that's placed upon my shoulders, He tells me to hand them to Him and asks over and over how much I am willing to trust Him.

And the answer is as far as He asks.  I decided to follow Jesus.  And that means no turning back.