How We Work

"When you don't understand God's hand, you trust His heart." - Darrin Patrick

Just a few thoughts today, or maybe a lot.  I don't know; we'll see when we get to the end.

Six months ago, I was somewhere close to figuring out that I wasn't going back to Columbia this Spring.  I might have explained before how I cried for about 10 minutes when I found out, and then dried my eyes and went to work.  It was a week before finals.  So I studied and packed and took my tests as they came up, telling only random people at random times as we all started leaving for Christmas break.  It was all surreal, packing my room and moving away, mostly due to the looming unknown ahead of me more than being sad for leaving my friends or college.  Of course those things would hit me later. 

But as far as my future schooling, education, and career went... I was at a loss.  What was I supposed to do now?  I told everyone the goal was getting back to Mizzou in the fall.  But even before I realized how much financial weight I was actually bearing when I got home, something about that statement felt more like the comfortable copout answer that just ensured avoiding all those questions I didn't want to answer.  I was afraid to admit that it wasn't actually something I wanted.

And then Moody Bible Institute came up, and I jumped on that idea quickly.  Major in Linguistics in their department for World Missions!  Yeah, I could still postpone all this financial responsibility I had and go live in a foreign country, after completing a college degree which is what was obviously expected of me, right?  And while I genuinely had this passion and heart that pulled me across oceans, that door was closed quickly when Moody admissions helped me put my financial burden in perspective.  They wouldn't accept me with all my baggage.  And though disappointed, I looked at it as this very personal "Yield" sign from God.

I had no choice but to slow down, and work.  To much surprise from mostly everyone I know, I really enjoyed my work.  In insurance.  It made little, if any, sense to me.  And it didn't settle very well with me either.  I was supposed to be making my way back to Africa -- blazing through foreign countries, living on little, going hungry and homeless, or sleeping on dirt floors and catching foreign diseases -- if my sacrifice could lead to the glory of the Gospel.  I just wanted the sacrificial life of a missionary to be my ministry, and what I had was a well-paying job at an insurance agency in my comfortable high school town without any real sense of community.

What the hell, God?  I asked that a lot.  Sometimes I just laughed when I asked Him, because it could be quite humorous how far I was from all the plans I had for myself.  But sometimes I cried, because I was so lost.  And still am.  But just like the Darrin Patrick quote I placed at the top, my heart has had to echo the simple truth that God is, and will always be... smarter than I am.  Oh, and His will is sovereign too.  Oh, and He loves me.  Though at times I have been so lost about where He is leading me, I sincerely trust that His heart for me is that of a loving Father's.  And don't let me make my life sound like this dark pit of dispair and lonliness.  I have been looked upon with utmost favor by our God, far beyond any reason I can come up with. 

Mostly this week, I have just been super encouraged by brothers and sisters alike to pursue the wild and sacrificial spirit that I wish to become, but to pray more for the role that I have in my current community and life to do that where I am at now. 

I have been challenged to pray for integrity and love, genuineness and honor in my work.  I have been encouraged to pursue missions in the way that I can right now.  I have enjoyed being a sender this semester.  Providing missions and missionaries with financial support to take the gospel to places that I cannot physically go has been an absolute joy for my heart.  And only possible with the job that He provided for me.  Linking my prayer and hopes and passions to places throughout the world through missions that I cannot take myself is what I have been able to do in the mean time. 

So much has changed in this last semester, but His love is steadfast and unchanging.  And He is slowly teaching me to be a daughter who trusts His heart above all else.