A life egg: something that brings up the need to say that word I really hate (“egg”… not “life”). A life egg: a compilation of events that have shaped us. A life egg: what my Cru girls are doing these next couple of weeks. A life egg: my next test in vulnerability.
The whole point of the egg is to show the other girls in our group where and what exactly we’re coming from. It’s not like I can just preface the thing with, “Oh hey, by the way, this makes me more than uncomfortable; I don’t even know you guys.” How do I explain to the group that I just don’t do stuff like this? Especially because I want them to feel comfortable around me; I want to be open and share too. Or I guess, want to want it.
I felt like after I began to open up, it was supposed to get easier from there. Like after doing it a few times, it was supposed to feel like less of a challenge. But in all actuality, it’s much harder. As I’ve started to peel back these layers to get a look at my own heart (to show it to you… and everyone), I’m only realizing that there’s more bulk than I ever cared to notice before. It runs a lot deeper than I ever saw.
“Some things we
don’t talk about,”
He says.
And I close my lips,
hold my breath
Hold my heart away from my head--
from what I’m thinking,
all the words I want to say.
All my world is crumbling now.
And my eyes watch
each piece on the ground,
bounce with no precision,
nothing is constant--
this is out of control.
This isn’t me,
this is not how I work;
I can’t function like this.
And I think,
maybe I should leave;
maybe I should walk,
put my feet to the ground-
feel something beneath me,
feel how something is
holding me up.
Feel the weight of gravity.
But I can’t let me leave;
tied here, I stay.
Some things we
don’t talk about,
And some things we
just don’t do.
No, I don’t scream;
I retreat with conflict; I run constantly.
I avoid fights;
except to fight for you;
I can’t just walk away,
not like this,
not right now.
But, I hold my breath--
some things we just
don’t talk about.
Today, at The Crossing, the pastor brought up a point that I feel I’ve always come up with in mind, and just never put words to. He said that we often counter the word “love” with “hate,” but that he believed the exact opposite of love is selfishness. Number one cause of my largest guilt: selfishness. I have become consumed by the opposite of Love. No wonder I can’t hear Him; my own voice is louder in my head.
In light of these struggles, someone told me that if I was doubting— to doubt, as long as I took guilt out of the equation. And it hit me at that moment: I don’t doubt love at all. If there is one thing I believe in at all it is love. That much is easy. I don’t for a minute doubt that God is … God. And that He is love. I believe in Love like it’s all I have left (because that is all we have); it’s myself that I can’t trust for a second. I don’t believe in me.
These days, I’m trying to put a connection between that and the Truth that I don’t have to believe in me, in what I’m capable of… because that’s what Jesus was for. He did what we were not capable of doing on our own.
“If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
that you may be feared.” – Psalm 130:3-4
Heart, let go of your angry grasp on all you want to do on your own. Heart, break. Heart, no; you are not capable. Heart, you don’t need to be.
Heart, break.
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