“Sick of All the Insincere, So I’m Gonna Give All My Secrets Away”

Bare with me reader(s), these thoughts aren’t easy.  That must mean they’re the most honest.

I had a very productive heart-to-heart with a lovely little lady you may know by the name of Laura Brunette.  I told her about this blog and the turn I feel like God is guiding it to after the last few weeks.  I told her how I wanted to be vulnerable, not only so that you -the people I trust- can see all the hurt, faults, and truth, but also so that I may see it too.  I want to know what my Heart looks like more than I can express, because just in the time that I’ve been at college, God is showing me that I don’t even know its shape.  I’m starting to see that it’s a little broken.

I came home this weekend and spent time with my family, which was actually nice for the first time in… a long time.  It was hard for me to come home this weekend with Lyndsey just passing…knowing that I missed the funeral only by hours… knowing I planned it that way.  I’ve quit pretending like my “tough” nature is a product of my strength, instead shamefully embracing that it only highlights my weakness.  I’m too “strong” to show emotion, what I view as the ultimate weakness, yet that is the very essence of my weakness; I am too weak to be strong enough to deal. 

I logged in here to struggle through what I was supposed to be doing this summer, for the first time.  Because I didn’t do it then.  I wanted you to hear (and I wanted to hear) what it’s been like, and how it hurt me, also how I grew from being so hurt.  I fully intended to spill it all… but just writing the above has left me drained.  Honesty isn’t supposed to feel so exhausting; it isn’t supposed to be this difficult for me to tell the simple truth.  I am eager for a day that I won’t be afraid to feel.

“I need another story, something to get off my chest.

My life is kind of boring,

need something that I can confess,

till all my sleeves are stained red from all the truth that I’ve said. 

Come by it honestly I swear, thought you saw me wink;

No, I’ve been on the brink,

So tell me what you want to hear,

Something that were like those years.

I’m sick of all the insincere, so I’m gonna give all my secrets away.”