“Come and listen; Come and listen to what He’s done.”

 

The human heart is a complex structure.  It’s got its storage space, spare bedrooms, locks and keys, dusty attic, cold basement.  And windows.  Can’t forget those windows.  Maybe my heart was made with only one window.  Maybe the window is really small.  And maybe its hidden behind shutters. Or a door, a locked door. 

I know that’s not the case, but it seems that way sometimes.  Sometimes my heart seems so… out of reach.  Like maybe even if I found the key and opened that door, or drew open those shutters, there might be a screen, and then curtains.  Anything and everything to keep you out… or everything inside.

Analyzing this for the umpteenth time only reminds me that I don’t want to—I refuse to be this person anymore.  I couldn’t be more genuine when I say that, this time, I really am done keeping everyone at a distance. 

I want Love to quit existing as this idea in my head, and become real in application.

I don’t want to lose all that He is making me.  Yeah, He’s breaking me.  And yeah, that’s really hard sometimes.  I fail.  A lot.  But I swear I’m learning.  And I know that if I just press through it, get through it… He’s going to use it. 

I have a love/hate relationship with this blog.  I won’t lie and say that it’s ever easy to be this honest.  It’s not.  I won’t pretend that I always want to press that square PUBLISH button, so that you can read this, read me, and know the truth.  But I always press it.  I haven’t kept anything in since I started this blog.  It’s all out, for us to see.  And I don’t even know what it’s for; I only know that it’s helped me to see this:

I never want to take someone that I really love for granted again.

I never want to see something that could be so beautiful rot to the core because of something I did.  Or even worse, didn’t do.

I never want to disappoint another person to save myself from feeling.

I don’t want to watch opportunities to give all that I am pass right by me.

The last thing I wanted to do was break your heart; and that was all I did.

I don’t want to look back at the things I destroyed for the rest of my life, and regret every attempt I never made to save them because I was too afraid.  Starting today.  Starting now.

But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.  At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness. – Psalm 69:13

Heal me; restore me.

Open that window and let a little air in; let a little of me out.  Or all of it.